Author's note: This story doesn't exactly reflect real events but there's a lot of emotion in it that I exaggerated. My fears are beneath the events of this story.
In an instant I woke, I had to keep going, keep driving. Once again I turned the key; I drove fast down the winding road. It was lined with huge, old trees I had seen so many times before. On impulse I was going to the only place I knew could feel like home. So many times before I had stayed in these woods and swam in this water. It had an effect on me, somehow, like magic, I could come here and forget the fast pace of life and the struggles that lingered so heavily on my heart. The sudden peace ringing in the air, the abrasion of my hands on the wheel, consumed me and I wept. The pines had once waved my worries away with their branches; the water once washed away the grief and pain.
I pulled into a gravel driveway and eventually came to a lodge. The engine shut off, I got out of the car and walked slowly to the door. Tears reappeared on my face, I paused, my shaking hand suddenly steady on the doorknob. Thinking rationally for a moment, my hand dipped into my back pocket and pulled out a large wad of cash I’d stolen from the counter at home. I clung to at least 200 dollars. Regret crept quietly into my conscience. What was I thinking? Looking for some relief, I placed the money back into my pocket. My hand pressed hard on the door and entered into a foyer. Tourist brochures hung on the wall and a dusty old moose head hung next to them. Suddenly I could remember walking through those very same doors every summer as a little girl. All the smells and people and boats and fish had stayed the same, it was me that had changed. I stood quiet and still, staring into the face of the moose. Memories continued to flash through my head, memories of my childhood, memories of the cabin, but most prevalent were memories of my father. It had only been 5 years since I’d been here last but it felt like a lifetime. Things had changed so much since then. At that time, this place could’ve made it all disappear; the struggles, the hurt, the fears.
The reality was I’d grown, grown so far from this place. However, I had no wish to escape this place, to leave; I was content to remain in that enchanting spot until it was my time to depart. As I stood, calmer than I’d been for hours, everything began to spin. I’d been informed hours before that my father was dead, in a search for comfort I ended up here. Tears flooded over my eyelashes, down my cheeks and onto the floor. Waves of sobs hit me with jolts; I sat shakily on the ground still staring at the moose. My arms wrapped tightly around my knees. I shut my eyes, forcing tears out the corners of my eyes, swallowing the next jolt of sobs. In seconds I had lost the most important man in my life. It felt almost as if someone was tearing away all the good I knew in life, piece by piece. My heart ached, it ached for memories, it ached for death, it ached for loss.
My father hadn’t been around much in the last few years but whenever he was, he somehow made everything okay again, he brought peace. Naturally this feeling escaped as soon as he did. I lived in an unstable home, and the only hope I knew lye within my father. He reminded me that I had a future; that something brighter lay beyond the front door. Maybe he recognized the hardship I endured at home, maybe he saw potential in me, or maybe he saw a reflection of himself within me. If I knew love, it came from my father and now that was all I could salvage from the dust.
My hands quivered gently in my lap. My heart beat loudly within my chest. I shut my eyes and listened; laughter carried from the bar, an old rock song played softly on the jukebox. The sun, granting rays of a luminous glow, the subtle shadows dancing across the wooden walls, the sounds, the quiet scenery, the worn moose—all had distracted me. The warm air of the lodge caressed my delicate body. The world had suddenly slowed. The immense grief lay heavy on my heart and settled in my mind. With my eyes still shut I slowly pulled a handgun from the depths of my pocket. My back straightened slightly opening my lungs to the northern air. I inhaled slowly, filling the space of my chest one last time and then I did it.
